DubaiPie

Is Sarkozy trying to force Muslims to eat more garlic?

2009-06-28T18:27:00.007+04:00

In an address to the joint session of France's two houses of parliament, French President Nicolas Sarkozy declared his support for a ban on burqas, saying that "In our country we cannot accept women who are prisoners behind netting.”

The statement has caused outrage among France’s five million Muslims, and especially among the twelve ladies who actually wear the garment in question, five of whom live in the same house in Toulouse.

However, French Muslims were quick to hit back at the Presidents comments. Allez Allez Al Allez, a French citizen of Middle-Eastern origin told DubaiPie “He seems to care about free will – but conveniently forgets about some of France’s arcane and sexist laws. Did you know that in France it’s illegal for women to shave body hair? I think. I took the kids to the beach the other week, and one woman looked like she was trying to hide Huggy Bear in her thong. It’s demeaning and an absolute disgrace.”

The row is the latest in a series of cross-cultural clashes in France – which has seen riots in some cities, and several striped t-shirt wearing onion Johnnies pushed off their bicycles.

“Sadly, these tensions are growing. The combination of increased social mobility, the global recession, and George W. Bush not being drowned at birth have all contributed.” Tom Tomkinson, a Social Interaction Expert told DubaiPie, “With the growing influx of immigrants, there is a now a real debate about what it means to be French.”

Ray Northerner, the outspoken Racial Affairs Expert, agreed, “Some things – the reflex to raise your arms into the air when you see a German, the gallic ‘F**k you’ shrug – these are genetic and can’t really be taught. However, most French people believe that immigrants should learn and achieve a certain level of Frenchness if they’re to gain citizenship. As a semi-racist myself I’d agree whole-heartedly.”

Mindful of this, France’s right wing political parties are seeking to introduce a new points-based system to ensure minimum levels of Frenchness are met.

“There is much discussion on the types of question to be asked.” Sacha Disdain, a spokesperson, told DubaiPie. “But we have already completed the list of questions in the Food Section. Some are no brainers; there’s a multiple choice question about garlic, obviously. The correct answer is 6 by the way. Then there’ll be a few questions about bread – true French people know that to qualify as proper bread, a loaf must go rock hard within 25 minutes of buying it. And it must be shaped like a cock. Oh, and there’s an open question about wine and why it’s far better than beer – which is only drunk by fat, belching Anglo-Saxon types. Though clearly you wouldn’t say something like that to a Germans face. There’s a trick question at the end asking which creatures it’s morally wrong to eat. The answer of course is ‘none’.”

There will be additional sections on Wars and How to Avoid Them, How to Charm a Woman out of her Knickers Using a Wry Smile, and How to Lose a Rugby Match in Paris. New immigrants will also be required to swear an oath of allegiance to the simple-to-draw flag, as well as promise not to boo La Marseillaise before football matches. This should to be left to the English

Some community leaders have expressed reservations about the new tests, and concerns are growing that the President’s comments may lead to burqa wearers being targeted for racial abuse.

One concerned husband, whose wife insists on always wearing a burqua, told DubaiPie that he was confident a solution could be found. “It’s not really going to be a problem. If she can’t wear the full gear, then she never leaves the house. Job done.”

Anger as Michael Jackson Decimates Coverage of Charlie's Angels

2009-06-28T18:24:00.007+04:00

Dubai resident expatriates expressed their outrage today, as local and international media outlets almost completely ignored the death of one of Charlie’s Angels, and instead focused their entire attention on Michael Jackson’s stangely shaped head.

Charlie’s Angels was the first television show in history not to bother with a plot, and instead simply showed attractive women in various states of undress – a format now used for 95% of all American media output.

The premise of the show – 3 female detectives who would do anything a tape recorder told them to do – enabled the writers to get the girls into the entire Ann Summers back catalogue. Under the guise of ‘going undercover’, trouser teasing outfits included roller derby girl, beauty pageant contestant, maid, female prisoner, and the ever popular bikini beach babe.

Tom Tomkinson, a British ex-pat and unabashed self abuser, told DubaiPie “You have to remember that in those days we had no internet or DVD’s. Even Channel 4 hadn’t been invented – so pulling one off was a real challenge. Then along comes Charlie’s Angels, with enough material to keep your sack empty for a week. The roller-girl outfit was my favourite - those pig-tails were a master-stoke. If you’ll pardon the expression. I could hardly walk for a three days after that episode.” A visibly shaken Mr. Tomkinson went on to add that, “Young people today have it too easy.”

However, 6Days, the popular animal-obsessed pamphlet, defended its decision to concentrate on Michael Jackson’s demise. An official told DubaiPie “Michael was an icon to many people. His life raised so many questions about childhood, fame, celebrity culture, and the devastating knock-on effects these can have on innocent chimpanzees.”

Gulp News said it had had little choice but to concentrate on Jackson’s death. “We don’t have many actual journalists – and most of them are busy writing stories about the amazing recovery we’re all seeing in Dubai.” Hayley Stroker, an insider, told DubaiPie, “With limited resources, we pretty much have to cut and paste whatever is available from AFP, then wrap it round the classifieds. And the truth is – apart from a few wars and famines and things like that – there really is only one news story out there. Remember, Michael Jackson could walk backwards, whilst looking like he was walking forwards. Jesus did something similar on the sea of Galilee – and look how popular he became. His books are best sellers to this day.”

Indeed, Jackson touched the lives of millions, sometimes literally, and it seems that the whole world is now united in grief. In his book, ‘Why We Get Upset When People We’ve Never Met Die’, Psychologist Rajeev Rajesh analyses the phenomenon, “Ultimately it’s because they have wonderful lives, and we have crap ones.”

Following standard procedure, Rev. Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson appeared from nowhere to turn the conversation away from music and entertainment, and start banging on about racism. Speaking from the ‘Black People Only Allowed to Enter’ award ceremony in Los Angeles, the audience was told that “Michael Jackson was the first singer of colour to cross the racial divide, and pretty much invented dancing.” However, a source told DubaiPie he was concerned that this was a slight mis-representation, stating that "Michael Jackson was a genius, and he'll be sorely missed. He was an inspiration to millions. However, Marvin Gaye, James Brown, Diana Ross, Gladys Knight, Tina Turner, Stevie Wonder and four hundred other globally successful black acts from the 60’s and 70’s appear to have been selectively wiped clean from everyones memory." In response, commentators pointed out that Rev. Sharpton appeared to use the same speech whenever anyone of African American origin died – and simply used the dead person’s name to "fill in the blanks”.

Fans are concerned that following the death of the troubled star, grasping friends and family will squabble in an unseemly manner to get their hands on anything of Michaels that can be turned into ready cash – rather like they did when he was still alive. Lawyers in Los Angeles are yet to speculate on potential outcomes, with most content to simply dribble over their potential share.

In a statement, Michael Jackson’s father assured the media that there would be no chance of a fight over the dead singer’s children. A source in Los Angeles told DubaiPie, “Their main concern is that the children are brought up in a safe and loving environment. We all hope that Michael’s parents will now take the little ones into their care - they have the experience of raising well rounded individuals despite the media glare. I mean, just look at La Toya.”

Evil Britain to Blame for Everything says Iran

2009-06-22T16:51:00.009+04:00

As tension escalated on the streets of Tehran, Iran’s Guardian Council today blasted Britain as ‘evil’ and 'probably guilty of being behind all bad things ever'. Other Western countries were labelled as 'mildly evil' or 'not very nice'.

The main demand of the protesters has been an annulment of the election result and a re-run, based on the fact that the initial results appear to be absolute bollocks. However, their demands have been rejected by the Supreme Leader, who is chosen by God.

The Foreign Ministry lashed out at foreign media and Western governments, accusing them of inciting liberal minded people to go out onto the streets and peacefully request some clarity on the election process. Ministry spokesman Hasan Quashriots accused the West of "A racial mentality that Iranians belong to some kind of Third World country."

"Meddling by Western powers and international media is unacceptable," he said at a news conference shown on state TV, adding that "Only the incumbent Government and the Divine Dictator are qualified to control the media. And peoples thoughts and opinions. And election results, obviously."

Dictatorships throughout the world joined Iran in their condemnation of British and Western involvment. “This has got to stop,” said a representative for one North African dictator, whose ruling family earns $12 billion per year without appearing to do any actual work, “When you allow one country to become involved in the affairs of another you are on a slippery slope. Some of these Western Governments seem intent on both educating their populace, and with wanton abandon, providing them access to a wide range of information via high speed internet connectivity. It’s a recipe for chaos.” Indeed, the cost of implementing similar measures in that country alone have been calcuated to be in the region of $12 billion.

Whilst Iran stopped short of blaming Britain for the first ice age, in which dinosaurs and other creatures which couldn’t fit into the ark all died, they did outline some of the heinous plots which they believe have been engineered by the British Government.

“The UK is famous for its high annual rainfall. Yet many regions of the world are arid and deserty. Coincidence?” Mr. Ackham Abit-Mad, a spokesperson, explained, “All right minded people know that Britain stole all the clouds during the seventeenth century. They harvested them in sails. This enabled them to grow vegetables, graze livestock, and invent team sports. Because of their greed, some countries have been forced to live on a diet based solely on camel products.” And the accusations did not end there. “AIDS was developed by Britain to punish Africans for being good at long distance running. This is not in doubt." The spokesperson went on to detail Britains role in inventing slavery, Jews, homosexuality and Emmerdale Farm.

Evidence now points to an influx of British secret service agents entering Tehran. Sources claim they “have been infiltrating the country in their hundreds over the past few weeks.” Asked how they avoided capture by the vaunted Revolutionary Guard, an Iranian Defense analyst told DubaiPie "Have you not seen Quantum of Solace? If we destroy their planes they leap out and descend using russian models as impovised parachutes. Car chases are out. And to be honest, we're pretty sick of all the speedboats buzzing about the harbour." To make matters worse, since their arrival almost all available totty has simply "dissappeared".

Gulf Parliamentarians and officials in the Arab League on Monday expressed concerns about the violent developments in Iran and a possible spillover of tensions into Gulf states. However, one observer assured Dubaipie that "This is very unlikely to happen. You have to remember that this has all been caused by elections. We don't have any."

Paris Hilton and Dubai to Push Back the Borders of Science

2009-06-15T13:09:00.004+04:00

Scientists around the world descended on Dubai this week for one of the most exciting experiments in living memory.

Tom Tomkinson, Head of Research at the fictional Oxford Cambridge Manchester University explained “Dubai is a very young city, and unlike many major centres around the world, it has yet to develop a distinctive ‘soul’. It’s a PR success, but behind the façade there’s a vacuum in terms of culture and identity. Today, we expect to see the arrival of Paris Hilton – probably the worlds’ most vacuous person. What happens when a vacuum enters a vacuum? We’ve no idea; it’s never been done before. I can tell you there’s palpable anticipation among the scientific community – the hairs on the back of my neck are standing up! I was there when they switched on the Hadron Collider in 2008 – but this is something really special.”

However, some city residents have expressed concern. Whilst applauding Dubai’s continued advancement, many believe this could be a risk too far. On the fringes of the quantum physics debate, some argue that when a vacuum suddenly enters another vacuum, the results could be cataclysmic – with outcome theories ranging from the formation of a new black hole to a possible tear in the fabric of the space-time continuum.

“I know some people are worried – but I sincerely believe that the worst case scenarios are way off,” said Ali Ali Al Ali, Director of Applied Studies, “We’ve done a huge amount of computer modeling in advance – and we wouldn’t be allowing the experiment to proceed if we believed there was a tangible threat. We estimate the likely outcome will be the production of a ghastly television show. Other by-products may be produced – PR photos of Paris standing next to a camel, Paris wearing a pastel coloured headscarf – that type of thing – but I am convinced that the experiment will pass off without major incident.”

It has been speculated that the likeliest result will resemble the atrocious televisual shitfest that was ‘My New BFF’, in which the two dimensional starlet searches for someone exactly like herself, but with slightly larger breasts. Brad Bradley, an advisor, defended both Paris, and the show, “People should leave Paris alone. She has to exist in the media – because she’s too banal to do real life. When she’s on TV, clever editing can make her appear almost human. If we feed her some worthy lines from off camera, we can even create the effect that she understands simple concepts. Like work.”

He went on to assure readers that Dubai would be treated differently to previous experiments conducted in the USA. “We’re sensitive to the local culture. To choose some blonde bimbo to join Paris on her World Prick-Tease Tour is not what we’re after. We need to get someone who looks Arabic, and can appear to bring intelligence and cultural sensitivity to the show. The current plan is to find a gorgeous young Lebanese girl, pop a shayla on her, and then manipulate things so that the end scene is a coming together of opposites – a sort of bridging of the cultural divide. I’ll admit it would be a bonus if she’d also got big tits.”

Given the recent high profile cases of jail-time for adulteresses, the experiment is also ruffling the feathers of the Dubai PR machine, and local law enforcement officials.

“I don’t know her particularly well, only what I’ve read in Hello magazine and seen on the web.” Rajeev Rajesh, a PR Guru, told DubaiPie, “But I get the impression she goes like a train. The chances of her coming to Dubai for several weeks and not getting her clackers round some skin sausage seem pretty slim. I know she claims that she’s ‘almost a virgin’, but I’m sorry, I saw that video. She was all over that pink flute like a slavering dog with a bone. And the technique she showed looked too good for a beginner, that kind of oral expertise requires practice. The last thing Dubai needs is a ‘C’ list celeb being imprisoned for giving someone a gobble behind the wheelie bins at the Mina Salaam. It could be the final nail in the PR coffin for the city.”

However, DubaiPie understands that measures have been put in place to prevent any potential scandal. A security insider explained “The worst case scenario is not that Paris will do any salami aerobics. We fully expect that to happen. She may not be everyones cup of tea, but you have to admit that she is cock-twitchingly attractive. The fact that she has a brain the size of a pea in some ways makes her more appealing. No, our number one concern is to protect any man who falls prey to her feminine wiles. Dubai is home to thousands of high net-worth men; leaders of industry, deposed dictators, Russian mafia and the like. The last thing we want to do is embarrass any of the local dignitaries by bursting in and catching them with their pants round their ankles. The political ramifications would be tantamount to opening Pandora’s box. It’s far safer for us to simply allow free and unfettered access to the opening of Paris’s box.”

Schools Step into the Breach to Maintain Shafting

2009-05-27T11:10:00.002+04:00

With rents going down, inflation dropping, and most of the hedonist get-rich-quick tuppences either in prison or leaving the country, remaining residents have been growing increasingly concerned that there may soon be very few things to whine about.

“This is getting serious.” a community spokesperson told DubaiPie recently, “In addition to everything else the traffic seems to be getting better. In the olden days, you’d be guaranteed three crashes every 10 kilometres. Now I’m lucky if I see one a day. If this new Metro turns out to be a success, then God knows what we’ll talk about over brunch. Of course, crap customer service, plumbers who’ve never seen a tap, and evil banks making up charges as they go along will remain constants – but there’s a limit to how often you can go over the same old topics.”

Fear not dear readers. Just as jubilant parents contemplated the possibility of actually saving some money in the coming year, private school owners have managed to come up with a shafting of such mind blowing audacity it borders on being described as a spit-roast.

One of the largest private school owners in the region, Global Integrated Teaching Systems, or GITS, recently announced details of massive increases in tuition fees. DubaiPie managed to get a copy of a letter written to parents of one GITS schools, in which the Principal outlined the reasons for the increase. The transcript of the letter is detailed below;

Dear Parents,

Notification of Immediate additional 12% Shafting

Today we received the 2009 KHDA report on the school. The report judged the school as ‘good’. We were therefore given permission to shaft parents by between 0% and 12%. We have decided to immediately apply the maximum allowable shafting.

Over the past few years, you will no doubt be aware that the school has only been able to raise fees by around sixty or seventy percent. During this period, the cost of providing education has literally sky-rocketed. Whilst we did manage to ream you with massive and unwarranted increases for school transportation and uniforms, sadly these were insufficient to bridge the widening funding gap.

I feel it is only fair to outline some of the increasing costs the school has been burdened with.

(1) The owners’ 130 foot yacht, The Narcissist, needed a full refit in the winter of 2008. Some of the flat screen televisions had been superseded by newer models with crisper definition. These have been upgraded. In addition, an outdoor pool and helicopter deck were installed to ensure that the vessel was able to deliver and entertain guests efficiently. Some of the sports equipment – notably the dinghies and jet bikes - were literally three years old and needed to be replaced.

(2) The Great Goat Famine of 2008, which swept through Iran, Mongolia and parts of China, led to a global shortage in cashmere, and a subsequent increase to the cost of bespoke Saville Row tailoring. The school’s owners tried to mitigate this by limiting made-to-measure orders to three a week (per family member) – but there’s a limit to how far these types of expense can be trimmed back before education levels start to be affected.

(3) The massive increase in demand in China and India for cationic polymers has lead to a doubling of the price for the raw material. As most of you will know, cationic polymers are the key ingredients in hair gel products – and the owner and his sons consume 4 metric tones each month. Please be assured that all attempts were made to source cheaper wax or spray alternatives – unfortunately these were found unsuitable for creating the required 80’s ‘Gordon Gekko’ styling.

Whilst we appreciate that the shafting will come as a shock to parents, especially those of you who have lost jobs or are contemplating suicide, we hope that this letter goes some way to explain the reasons behind our decision. We further trust that the love you have for your children will mean that you dare not move them for fear of looking cheap, or worse, risking your childs future over something as unimportant (to you anyway) as money.

Please be assured that, if you do decide to grow balls and move your children, all efforts have been made to ensure other school owners mysteriously increase their prices at the same time and by the same amount.

Yours Sincerely,

Principal GIT

Rajesh Rajeev, Chairman of the newly founded ‘Parents Against GITS’ action group, was not surprised at this latest shafting, “We’re used to this. Earlier this year, GITS tried to double fees at one of its schools by simply moving the current building 3 yards to the left. We managed a stay of execution – but no doubt we’ll lose in the end. Our powers are limited to visiting the authorities and begging them for some sense of reasonableness. GITS on the other hand hold their negotiations on a 130 foot yacht anchored off-shore. They helicopter officials in, and hold meetings around a swimming pool, while guests sip ice cold cocktails served by micro-bikini clad Russian models. Often the real deal clincher is when they take guests inside to discuss the fine points. That’s when they are confronted with the astounding definition of the flat screen TV’s. I hear they’re flawless.”

A source within GITS defended the organizations position, and told DubaPie that rather than a knee jerk shafting, this move was both justified, and had been in the planning stage for some time. “The Senior Management at GITS is very switched on. Every decision made is based on detailed analysis. Don’t think that these guys got where they are today because of patronage, or from doing a few dodgy deals, or ingratiating themselves in a cringingly sycophantic way with key decision makers. Nothing could be further from the truth.”

In her book ‘Reaming: Driving The Egomaniacal Dream’, Business Analyst Hayley Stroker explains some of the secrets behind the GITS success story. “As with all revolutionary business models, the GITS approach is both genius in concept, and utterly infallible in design. In simple terms you leverage yourself up to the knackers to build as many assets as possible – in this case schools. You then shaft customers to such an extent that you can pay off the initial capital investment quickly. Usually you’d be looking at a ROCE (Return On Capital Employed) of around 25 minutes. The banks and hedge funds are then literally falling over themselves to lend exponentially. Within a matter of a few years you can go from having a single kindergarten class operating from a tent, to almost global domination of the private education system.”

“It’s similar in some ways to other foolproof business models. There’s the one that the chap from Hydra Properties developed. There’s another one which involves doubling up roulette bets until you eventually win. These models can’t fail. Unless you run out of money, or there’s some kind of global financial meltdown. If that happened then you’d be f**ked – but let’s be honest, the chances are staggeringly remote.”

6Days Critised for Pet Centric Reporting

2009-05-27T11:08:00.004+04:00

6Days, the news and current affairs pamphlet popular among non-working expatriates, has come under more criticism today for its volume of animal-related articles.

In a report entitled ‘The Power of the Cat’, Industry Analyst Tom Tomkinson claims entire media organisations can be fiscally viable provided they maintain a healthy level of cat related content. “Our research confirms that publications which concentrate on domestic cat issues are likely to be commercially successful. The target demographic is a goldmine – especially in Dubai. We’ve called it the ‘Pussy Purse’. ‘Pussy’ as in ‘cat’.”

The ‘Pussy Purse’ group can be loosely categorized as non-working, female, and predominantly European. Unusually for a non-working group, the average ‘Pussy Purse’ typically has a large disposable income. It’s this combination of money and time, combined with no clear concept of what’s important in the world, which excites the advertising industry.

“6Days has recognized and tapped into this market. Feline articles now account for around 60% of all content – which feels about right.” explained Mr. Tomkinson, “You can basically break this down into four key categories; evil abuse of cats, evil abandonment of cats, the subsequent heroic rescue of abused or abandoned cats, and finally, general cute and amusing stories. About cats. Of course, other types of animals need to be folded into the editorial mix. If space permits, some content can be given over to human-related stories. And you should pop a couple of Sodoku puzzles in there.”

Hayley Stroker, an industry insider, defended the pamphlets editorial decisions. “I can’t really understand why anyone would take offense. 6Days readers prefer cats to people. They especially prefer cats to men. Did you see the one last week about Cuddles – who died when he mistook an electrical subway station for a scratching post? I cried for days when I saw that picture of his frazzled little body. What kind of evil monster allows an electric current to run though a sub-station, and then installs a ventilation hood large enough for an innocent creature to squeeze through?”

A recent poll shows that 99% of women back the 6Days stance, but a mere 20% of men – and even this figure has been challenged. “Bollocks.” Ray Northerner, a Relationship Expert, told DubaiPie, “Of that 20% I can tell you half of them will be gay – their votes need to be counted seperately. The other half is probably just men pretending to love cats in the hope it will get them a shag. I've done that myself in the past. With limited success I'll admit.”

Mr. Northerner went onto explain why this issue is so divisive, “Cats go out whenever they want, often for an entire night, and basically spend their time shagging, fighting, or killing things. Oh, and shitting. When they come back into the house their food and an adoring woman awaits them. The rest of their time is spent in sleep, or enjoying stroking sessions, usually accompanied by a few soothing words whispered in their ears. Then it’s off out again. Now compare that to the shit I have to put up with.”

Rajeev Rajesh, a Professional Seer based in Karama, expressed a view held by many Dubai residents, “In some of the poorer countries of the world, people can die from something as simple as dysentery – and no one gives a shit. That wasn’t intended as a pun. Yet in some cultures it seems the needs of pets come above those of other human beings. Don't get me wrong, I am not advocating cruelty to animals - I myself was horrified to read about those two cats recently shot by a sniper. Top shots those by the way - airguns are notoriously inaccurate. All I am saying that more good would come from turning the airgun on a person who has no moral issues with giving organ transplants to 12 year old cats. Just let it die and go buy another one. There's f**king millions of them.”

6Days refused to respond officially on the issue. However, an inside source told DubaiPie that the pamphlet was aware of the issues, and looking to make significant changes. “Editorially there will be a shift away from domestic pets and onto weightier topics. This may alienate some of the core readership, but in the interests of intellectual and moral integrity, it's something that needs to be done. Next weeks articles will mainly be concentrating on dolphins, though I do know that there is one heart-rending story of a pengiun which has lost the ability to waggle."

Etihad in Man City sponsorship deal

2009-05-27T09:43:00.012+04:00

Etihad Airways, the national airline of the UAE, has signed a sponsorship deal with Manchester City, the English Premier League football club, it was announced yesterday.

The three year deal includes shirt sponsorship plus branding and merchandise at the Eastlands Stadium.
"Alignment is critical to Etihad – we need to be associated with brands which reflect our core values and vision." Fred Smith, an Alliances Advisor, told Dubaipie, "which is why teaming up with a shit-hole mid-table side is clearly is a bit of a kick in the knackers to be honest. Don’t ask me mate – I just do as I’m told."

Manchester City is owned by the Abu Dhabi United Group for Development & Investment. The group represents the Abu Dhabi royal family, and is said to have assets in the region of $900 trillion – though the figure rises on an hourly basis. ‘We can’t get rid of the stuff.’ Ali Ali Al Ali, a spokesperson, explained, "No matter how much we spend the bank balance keeps rising. It’s mad. We’ve been told to dump as much as we can – the accountants don’t know the word for the number that comes after ‘trillion’. If that happens, we will literally be unable to verbalise how much money we have. Manchester City seemed an ideal vehicle for liquidating capital. We’re also looking at seriously at expanding our Dubai real estate portfolio."

A concern that the traditions of the club will be pushed aside in favour of ‘buying’ failure has been rubbished by the Group. "We’ve been involved with the club for half a season now,’ said Mr. Ali, ‘and the only ‘tradition’ we have noted is the ‘tradition’ to be absolute shit. This is a something we intend to continue. Our wealth needs to remain at describable levels."

Some small changes are envisaged. The stadium is having 300 large settees – with a gaudy baroque design - installed in the director’s box, to ensure the peasants know exactly where they stand. The kits will also be getting a new look – with the insipid sky blue being replaced with a more dashing multi-coloured ‘camel print’ strip designed by the 10 year old nephew of one of the directors.

The Group has vowed that Mark Hughes will remain in charge, and be given the time to develop the squad from the academy players.
"He seems our best bet for prolonged wastage. He’s clearly clueless, and has the respect of no one in the side. Even Stephen Ireland thinks he’s a tosser. However, we may have to review our approach to academy players. The cost of buying established stars is appealing. The type of player we’re looking for is someone in the mold of Emanuel Adebayor –will cost a fortune but doesn’t give a crap. Or anyone at Newcastle United."

Meanwhile, Etihad rival Emirates Airlines is reassessing its sponsorship ties. Currently the Dubai based carrier has a 15 year deal with Arsenal, but is looking at options. "Emirates dynamic is totally different to Etihad’s. Emirates needs to be associated with winners." explained Tom Tomkinson, an industry analyst. "Don’t laugh. When they signed Arsenal they were good. If they’d known Arsene had a fetish for young African boy’s who piss themselves at the sight of goal, maybe they’d have gone down a different route. I’m sure Emirates are looking for loopholes in the contract – but unless they find something soon it looks like they’re pretty screwed."

One thing is for certain, next year’s clash between Manchester City and Arsenal will be eagerly awaited by the UAE’s sport loving public. "It’s a mouthwatering prospect," purred Fred Smith, local tv pundit, "two evenly matched sides, battling it out to see whether they can get into the Europa Cup places".

Another British Woman in Custody for Adultery

2009-05-27T09:35:00.002+04:00

A British woman is facing jail in Dubai for committing adultery after being reported to police by her jilted husband. She was arrested by police after she left a Bur Dubai hotel in the early hours of Sunday morning.

The woman – as yet unidentified – is the second Brit this year to face adultery charges, after Marnie Pearce was jailed in February for the same offense. This latest incident now raises serious questions for the British expatriate community in the UAE.

"There are over 100 different nationalities living peacefully in Dubai," explained Ali Ali Al Ali, a local law enforcement commentator, "Yet it seems that only women from the UK get caught shagging around. Either they sleep around more than women of other nationalities, or else are just not as good at keeping it a secret. Knowing what I know about the Lebanese, I’d say it’s the latter."

Dr. Wendy Gross, Cultural Attaché, told Dubaipie, "These women obviously have a screw loose. If they marry Arab men they must understand that culturally there will be differences. What do they expect him to do when he discovers someone else is slipping his wife one? There’s no Arabic equivalent of ‘what’s good for the goose is good for the gander’. The local version translates to ‘what’s good for the goose gets the gander buried up to its neck and then stoned to death’. Or words to that effect."

However, local sources stressed that this was nothing to do with inter-cultural relationships, and that Dr. Gross was talking "her usual racist bullshit".

Research appears to back up this claim. Fred Smith, senior lecturer at the fictional Cambridge Oxford Manchester University in Sharjah, recently concluded a report on the difficulties facing UK couples relocating to the area.

"When a family first moves to the UAE there’s a huge cultural shift. British men especially have a hard time adjusting. They’ve spent their lives being told to ‘piss off’ by very average looking women in England – and suddenly they’re surrounded by pert, moist Eastern European and Asian girls hanging on their every word. The knock on is that they’d rather be shot than bone the wife – who is then forced to look outside the marital bed for companionship. Alternatively, it could just be that British women like shagging."

In the current atmosphere, the Dubai International Women’s Volleyball tournament could not have come at a worse time. More than 30 teams and 500 female competitors from the UK are expected to arrive in the Emirate over the coming days.

Despite stretched resourced, a large Police presence is expected to ensure the event runs smoothly. Hundreds of handsome, swarthy, immaculately unformed officers will be on hand to ensure that the British ladies behave themselves. An insider told Dubaipie that "They’ll be on the lookout for women who are absolutely bladdered. Anyone who can hardly stand up will be identified and approached. The usual procedure is then to quietly escort them upstairs to their hotel rooms and safely tuck them in for the night."

UAE Rejects Human Rights Watch Report

2009-05-27T09:04:00.005+04:00

A senior UAE official yesterday slammed the New York-based Human Rights Watch for a lack of transparency and credibility. This follows the release of its report on conditions for labourers on Abu Dhabi’s Saadiyaat Island.

"Why they keep on hitting the UAE with these negative stories I have no idea", said an official. "This month alone the western media have had a pop at us for stealing billions of dollars of investor’s money, and not paying hundreds of millions out to contractors. Then they took issue with some Sheikh for torturing poor people, now this! Honestly, we can’t do right for doing wrong."

Most labourers come to the UAE from South Asia. Human Rights Watch claims that workers suffered from ‘unlawful recruiting fees…and a sponsorship system that gives an employer virtually complete power over his workers.’ Conditions were further worsened by having their passports taken, being forced to live 50 to a hammock over open sewers, and being fed on a diet of mainly rice and beetles.

Dubaipie met with Tom Tomkinson, a Senior Project Manager for one of the developers on Saadiyaat. Clutching his own passport and speaking from a poolside lounger at his Jumeirah Islands home, Tom claimed that the Human Rights Watch report was way off the mark. "Holding an employees passport is done for safe keeping. Most of the staff can’t thank us enough for taking ‘em." He went on to point out that "Even if they had the passports – what are they going to do? Swim off the island? We’ve a ‘non-swimmer only’ recruitment policy. Even if they do get off the island, then what? We only pay these guys 200 dirhams a month – and on average 150 dirhams is deducted for beetle theft."

Ministry officials were also quick to point out the scale of effort that has gone into improved workers rights in the past few years – something apparently overlooked by Human Rights Watch.

Ali Ali Al Ali, a spokesperson, told Dubaipie "There’s been no consideration of the gigantic strides made over the past few years. We’ve had literally dozens of meetings – some lasting up to an hour. Reams of paperwork and regulations have been generated. What more do they want us to do?"

Some UAE residents are beginning to tire of the constant negativity from some corners of western press. One concerned resident admitted that "If this carries on, people will stop coming to Dubai. Then who will clean my house?"

One national newspaper suspected a different root cause – going so far as to suggest evil plots might be behind negative media comments. In its editorial, Gulp News said "Human Rights Watch is based in New York, right? A city with a large and influencial Jewish community. Guess who owns all the newspapers and TV companies? That’s right. Now think about it." The newspaper went on to praise local authorities for their vision and chiselled good looks.

UAE Pulls out of Proposed GCC Monetary Union

2009-05-27T08:47:00.004+04:00

In a shocking development, the UAE has pulled out of the proposed GCC central currency.

The decision comes just a few days after GCC Nations nominated Riyadh as the location of the Central Bank – rather than Abu Dhabi, as had been hoped by UAE officials.

"We’d already started building the headquarters," said a stunned UAE Official, "the curtains have been ordered and everything."

Riyadh is seen as a strange choice by many. Rather than the modern, open image of Arabia projected by the UAE, Saudi is famed for its strict social protocols. Women have been beaten for offences as diverse as ‘being coquettish whilst wearing a tent’, ‘flirtatiously standing still’ and ‘displaying a mischievous glint’. Saudi women are also banned from driving, a law designed to prevent them from driving somewhere to have sex with someone – though the rules still allow for a male relative to drop them off.

Alcohol, prostitution and cinema are also forbidden in Riyadh – leading many to question what the hell GCC delegates will do during conference breaks.

Location was not the only issue. The vast cultural differences between the UAE and Saudi Arabia also led to problems during negotiations.

Ali Ali Al Ali, a Cultural Relations Advisor, told Dubaipie that "We may share the same language, religion, food, social norms, dress and political views – but deep down there’s a real clash of cultures going on here.", he explained that, "Saudi’s tend to hold their noses a good 4 millimetres higher than your average Emarati. There’s also tension on beard design - Saudi’s prefer a traditional goatee, whereas we in the UAE like a modern, well defined ‘George Michael’. Even the kandoora’s are different! Theirs have a granddad collar, ours are all fold-down. And the tassles! Don’t start me on the tassles! We're chalk and cheese."

What the future now holds for GCC monetary union is unclear. Saudi officials remained positive, stating that whilst a setback, the initiative was still on track. "Even if everyone pulls out except us, the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia will forge ahead with this historic single currency, with its Headquarters in blessed Riyadh", said one Central Bank official.

UAE officials confirmed that monetary policy would continue on the existing platform, with the dirham pegged to the US dollar. "This was always the fallback plan in a ‘spit our dummy’ scenario", stated an official, "It’s a shame about those curtains though. Absolutely cracking they are. We’re looking at sewing them all together to make the world’s biggest tent."

Naming Rights for 12 Dubai Metro Stations Still Available

2009-05-15T12:55:00.006+04:00

At least 12 metro stations are still available for companies interested in linking their names to pointless pieces of architecture that won't be used by anyone worth advertising to.

The RTA offered 22 out of 47 stations on the Red and Green lines of the Dubai Metro project for corporate branding. So far, only ten companies with more money than sense have been identified.

"We have so far finalised deals worth Dh1.8 billion for the 10," said a spokesperson, speaking on the final day of Mena Rail 2009 Conference, "but we remain confident other companies will be daft enough to come forward. We were kind of banking on property developers, but that all seems to have gone tits up."

Quite why the Middle East & North Africa region needed a Rail Conference remains unclear. One observer noted that "Whilst the region accounts for around 20% of the worlds land mass, it only has 22.7kms of railyway line. Which isn't opened yet. Nonetheless, the pastries served during conference breaks were first class."

When asked why the RTA had so far sold naming rights for just 10 stations, a spokesperson told Dubaipie that "Raising money is not the only motive. There are many other factors which need to considered. Though none of the others immediately leaps to mind."

Potential passengers suggested that the naming delays could cause major transportation headaches. "How do you buy a ticket to a station that doesn't have a name?", asked Rajeev Rajesh, amateur train enthusiast from Karama, "You could get on at a station with no name, and be going to another station with no name. What do you ask for? What would be on the ticket?"

However, Ali Ali Al Ali, an industry analyst, was quick to allay these fears. "You have to remember that the Metro isn't aimed at everyone. It's mainly aimed at the types of person whose views and concerns don't count. Apart from first class passengers of course." He also went onto stress that in new developments of this scale, some teething problems were to be expected, "It's likely to be a complete arse for the first few months. However, you need to bear in mind that they probably won't have any actual people travelling on the network during that period. They promised to start operations in September, but never said which ones. It'll probably be about 3kms of line, linking the Mall of the Emirates with Media City. Though I'm told the names of those stations are yet to be finalised."

Dubaipie interviwed residents of the city to gauge their reaction. Would they be using the Metro? "Not in a million years," said Sally Titface, a Jumeirah resident, "As far as I undertand it this new train system is designed to remove buses and those unsightly small Japanese saloon cars from the roads. Traffic will be back to normal - populated mainly by Mercedes', Porche's, Bentley's and Range Rover's for people like me, and standard four wheel drives for the aspiring middle classes."

Some wanted to use the Metro, but couldn't see how it was possible. Tom Tomkinson, who lives at the Green Community, told us "I'd love to do my bit for the environment. I work at Internet City. So I'd have to drive 20 kms to get to the nearest Metro station. Struggle to park. Then take the Metro for the 3kms to Internet City. On arrival, I'd have to sweat my bollocks off on the 1km walk from the unnamed station to my actual office. I can't see the sense of using the Metro when my journey takes twice as long, costs twice as much, and I arrive at work dripping in my own bodily fluids."

These concerns were put to a Mr. Ali, "People can't see the point now. It does seem cheaper and easier to simply take the car. However, my advice is to wait until the Metro's working. Once there is a viable transport alternative, its likely people will be encouraged to use public transport. I've heard that they already have enough Salik gates in stock to install thirty on Sheikh Zayed Road alone."

Dubai clarifies visa rules for property buyers

2009-05-04T13:19:00.005+04:00

Dubai reached out to homeless millionaires throughout the world today, and offered them a safe place to live and not work. Provided they could prove they were minted.

An official stated that the decision was aimed at proving they were doing something, anything, about the disastrous mess affecting the real estate industry. At the same time, he was quick to point out that the real estate sector remained buoyant. "The rest of the world is affected by the credit crisis. Not us. Anyone who says otherwise is clearly mad. Or in prison.", he added.

The six-month visa - yet to be formerly named - is valid only for properties worth at least 1m dhs ($267,000), and for those owners earning more than 10,000 dhs a month from not working.

The move comes at a time when investor confidence remains low. DubaiPie found that most investors had either left the Emirate, or had had their phones disconnected. Of those that remain, most were delighted with the new rules.

Vladamir Prickov moved to Dubai from Moscow in 2007 with only a bag full of stolen cash, 200 fraudulent credit cards, three large-breasted girlfriends, and a dream. He now owns and lives in a penthouse apartment in Dubai Marina, and has investments in several other real estate projects in the region. "I could have gone anywhere. Except Europe, the States or Russia. Obviously. But I chose Dubai. I don't actually work - so getting a visa is always a concern. These new rules will really help to simplify the process. "

The move has also been welcomed by developers. "Fantastic news. It's what we've all been waiting for. It makes the whole process completely transparent." said Ali Roganjosh, Managing Director of Diamondencrusted Trustworthy Properties, a shell company with 2 employees based in Ras Al Khaimah. "Of course, this won't actually benefit any of my investors - as we are yet to start work on any of our projects. Even if we do, there's no chance in hell of any of them being worth close to a million dirhams. You having a laugh or something?" Asked specifically if he knew anyone who owned a property worth a million dirhams and who earned lots of money from not working, Mr. Ali simply said "Yes, me."

Some details of the new visa rules remain unclear. For instance, how will the value of the property be determined? "I paid 2.4 million dirhams for my appartment in 2008," says Gloria Manipacman, who owns a small cupboard at International City, "but last week someone offerred me a bag of chips and one of those small prentend skate boards that you push along with your finger. Do I qualify for a visa?"

DubaiPie approached local officials for clarification. "At this stage we cannot comment on individual cases. The new rules are somewhat vague." However, he was keen to stress that "There is no need for residents to panic. The flexibilty of the new regulations means we can pretty much make things up as we go along."